Monday Sucks

[JoeRaisin <joeraisin@xxxxxxxxxxx>]

Or maybe I'm just a whiny punk.

I was having a good day yesterday - right up until the end.

*****

?All done, Ma?am.  I just need a signature.? I say placing the invoice
on the counter and holding my pen out.  It made for a long day but the
alarm is installed, up and running.  I?m tired, I just want to go home.

?It looks great, thank you.? She says taking my pen. ?You?re name sounds
familiar.?

My brother was a teacher, so is my sister, I get this a lot.

?Oh, I remember!  Are you related to that boy who was killed in the fire
last year??

Not was I was expecting.  Unfortunately, this was one of those times it
hits me right in the gut.

?Uhm, Yeah, he was my son.?

Just sign the paper so I can go.

?That was so sad.?

Yes, it is.  Please, sign the paper.

?I remember because my friend?s son was one of his students at? you
know? that Karate place.?

Tae-Kwon-Do, not Karate.

I tell her the name of the Do-Jong.

?Yes, that was it, she said he was such a nice boy.?

I don?t why, but I don?t  want to have this discussion ? not here ? not now.

?Yeah, he was a good kid.?

?I heard there weren?t any smoke alarms in the house.?

For Christ?s sake sign the PAPER!

Easy, Joe, she?s trying to be nice.

?No, I guess there weren?t.?

Please let me go.

?That?s pretty ironic considering what you do.?

For the love of God, not that one again, a lump is forming in my throat.

?It wasn?t my house, ma?am.?

?Oh, right, it was his friend.  Now, didn?t his mother die the day
before or something??

Three weeks.

?A few weeks, actually.  Her name was??

She doesn?t let me tell her Becky?s name.  Too bad, I cared for Becky
and miss her a lot, but she is a much safer topic.  However, this woman
just wants to say her piece and interrupts with, ?Well its too bad
things like that happen around the holidays.  At least you all had a
better Christmas this year.?

Oh yeah, it was just fucking great.

?I really have to get going, ma?am, if you could just sign right here.?

I put my pen at the beginning of the line, all she has to do is grab it
and sign.

I think I came off a bit brusque, she seems taken aback and I realize I
probably could have handled this much more graciously.  Sometimes I get
hit with it out of the blue and I?m okay, sometimes it still knocks the
wind out of me ? this is one of those times.  I think it?s all the
toddler stuff in this house.  It always makes me think of the grand kids
I won?t have.  I have to get out of here.  I?m not a big follower of the
John Wayne Book of Manhood, but I still don?t like to let strangers see
me cry.

?Its not something I like to talk about,? I tell her, ?and I?m am
running late.?

She seems assuaged, at least a little and signs the paper.  She thanks
me, I thank her and I leave.

By the time I hit my truck the tears are already running.  The drive
home is blurry.  All I can think about are the old dreams I used to have
of Chris coming for the Holidays with car seats and diaper bags, a
couple little ones in tow who are excited to see Grandma and Grandpa
because we spoil them rotten.  Tony would show up with his rug rats as
well and we would all have a rousing good time watching the kids ?
cousins who are as close as siblings ? playing and arguing.

During these visions I picture Chris as the man he could have become ?
would have become.  The man the world will never know ? much to the
world?s detriment I am sure.

By the time I pull into my driveway I am down most of a box of tissue
and the Walmart bag hanging from the corner of my glove compartment is
just about full.  I manage to compose myself before going inside.  I
don?t feel much like eating ? I?m late for supper anyway.  I watch the
state of the union address but I?m really not watching or even
listening.  If one were to look closely it would be evident that I?m not
focused on the screen, I?m not focused on anything.

I become aware that Elena is not watching the television either, she is
watching me ? she can tell.  She doesn?t say anything.

Eventually it is bedtime.

We lay in bed, nestled together, its how we end most days, just holding
one another.

?It was a bad one today.?  Is all I say.

Elena?s embrace tightens a bit and she moves just a little bit closer to
me.

She still doesn?t say anything.

She doesn?t ask me anything about it.

She doesn?t have to.

She has bad ones too.