Re: A few to make you laugh

[Jim Davis <alarminex@xxxxxxx>]

On Monday, April 13, 2020 at 12:56:47 PM UTC-4, Bob La Londe wrote:
> So my friend Brad and I managed to duck the gendarmes during this time=20
> of social distancing and meet up for a bit of fishing on our local=20
> waters.  We kept our distance in the boat of course.  As we came up to=20
> the bridge at the north end of the reservoir I happened to notice a=20
> funeral procession passing by.  Brad set down his fishing pole, doffed=20
> his hat and stood there with his head down in silent prayer until the=20
> procession had passed.  I was amazed.  I've never seen anything like a=20
> sign of piety out of Brad before.  I had to say something.
>=20
> "Wow Brad.  I had no idea you had so much respect for the dead."
>=20
> "Yeah.  It was the least I could do.  I was married to that woman for 30=
=20
> years," he replied.


Fresh from her shower, the wife stands in front of the mirror=20
complaining to her husband, that her breasts are too small. Instead=20
of characteristically telling her "it's not so", he uncharacteristically=20
comes up with a suggestion.=20

If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet=20
paper and rub it between them for a few seconds." Willing to try=20
anything, she grabs a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the=20
mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks=
.=20
"They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies. She stops=20
rubbing. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between=20
my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"=20
Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your ass, didn't it?


A penguin is driving down the road when his car starts to give him all kind=
s of trouble...the engine sputters, steam pours out of his hood and there's=
 fluids pouring out on the road. He pulls into a garage and the mechanic te=
lls him it'll be at least a half-hour until he can even tell him what the
problem is.
The penguin walks around, has a cup of coffee and then comes across an ice =
cream shop, where he orders a double vanilla cone, getting it all over his =
face. He goes back to the garage and asks the mechanic if he's found the pr=
oblem.
The mechanic looks up and tells him "Looks like you've blown a seal."
And the penguin says " No, NO! really, honest, its just ice cream".


Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in =
court on Friday before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young=
 men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I wan=
t you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use a=
nd get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, "How=
 did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to =
give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell the=
m?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this...
          _
        /   \
       |     |        O
        \ _ /
and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (sm=
all circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge.

"And you, how did you do?"(to the 2nd boy) "Well, your honor, I persuaded 1=
56 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing! How did y=
ou manage to do that!""Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)
                      _
                    /   \
           O       |     |
                    \ _ /
I said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your asshole before prison, =
..."