[OT] Advice from IT Support (sense of humour non-optional)

[Keith Doxey <keith.doxey@xxxxxxx>]

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Thought you might find this amusing :-)

1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be
sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards,
baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling
trophies and children's art. We don't have a life,
and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting
glimpse of yours.

2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back
the error messages from here.

3. When an IT person says he's coming right over, go
for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need
your password. It's nothing for us to remember 300
screensaver passwords.

4. When you call the help desk, state what you want,
not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need
to know that you can't get into your mail because your
computer won't power on at all.

5. When IT Support sends you an email with high
importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.

6. When an IT person is eating lunch at his desk, walk
right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only
to serve.

7. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server
picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer
support. There's electronics in it.

9. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home,
call computer support. We can fix your telephone line
from here.

10. When you have a dozen old computer screens to get
rid of, call computer support. We're collectors.

11. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it
on an IT person's chair with no name, no phone number
and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.

12. When an IT person tells you that computer screens
don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good
argument.

13. When an IT person tells you that he'll be there
shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just
how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That
motivates us.

14. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at
least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into
black holes.

15. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries,
send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of
them is bound to work.

16. Don't learn the proper name for anything
technical. We know exactly what you mean by "my thingy
blew up".

17. Don't use online help. Online help is for wimps.

18. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed
picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the
cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have
20kg of computer sitting on top of them.

19. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work,
blame it on the mail upgrade. Keyboards are actually
very happy with half a pound of muffin crumbs and nail
clippings in them.

20. When you get a message saying "Are you sure?"
click on that Yes button as fast as you can. Hell, if
you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you?

21. When you find an IT person on the phone with his
bank, sit uninvited on the corner of his desk and
stare at him until he hangs up. We don't have any
money to speak of anyway.

22. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't
know nothing about that computer rubbish." We don't
mind at all hearing our area of professional expertise
referred to as rubbish.

23. When you need to change the toner cartridge in a
printer, call IT Support. Changing a toner cartridge
is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard
recommends that it be performed only by a professional
engineer with a master's degree in nuclear physics.

24. When you can't find someone in the government
directory, call IT Support.

25. When you have a lock to pick on an old file
cabinet, call IT Support. We love to hack.

26. When something's the matter with your computer,
ask your secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the
challenge of having to deal with a third party who
doesn't know anything about the problem.

27. When you receive a 30mb (huge) movie file, send it
to everyone as a mail attachment. We've got lots of
disk space on that mail server.

28. Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down
into smaller chunks. Somebody else might get a chance
to squeeze a memo into the queue.

29. When an IT person gets on the elevator pushing
$600,000 worth of computer equipment on a cart, ask in
a very loud voice: "Good grief, you take the elevator
to go DOWN one floor?!?" That's another one that
cracks us up no end.

30. When you lose your car keys, send an email to the
entire company. People out in Pofadder like to keep
abreast of what's going on.

31. When you bump into an IT person at the grocery
store on a Saturday, ask a computer question. We do
weekends.

32. Don't bother to tell us when you move computers
around on your own. Computer names are just a cosmetic
feature.

33. When you bring your own personal home PC for
repair at the office, leave the documentation at home.
We'll find all the settings and drivers somewhere.....

Thanks, IT Support

Keith