Re: Attention America!!!

[Roger W <allucan8@xxxxxxx>]

On Feb 1, 10:25=A0pm, Frank Olson
<use_the_email_li...@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx> wrote:
> As quoted from John Cleese (famous British Actor):
>
> "... to the citizens of the United States of America:
>
> In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent
> candidates for President of the U.S.A. and thus to govern yourselves, we
> hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective
> immediately.
>
> Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties
> over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which
> she does not fancy).
>
> Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for
> America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate
> will be disbanded.
>
> A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of
> you noticed.
>
> To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
> rules are introduced with immediate effect:
>
> You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
>
> 1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will
> be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. =A0 (my
> British Mother used to say "alYouMINeeum" )
>
> 2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour'
> and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without
> skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the
> suffix '-ise'.
>
> Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable
> levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
>
> 3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises
> such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
> communication. =A0There is no such thing as US English. We will let
> Microsoft know on your behalf. =A0The Microsoft spell- checker will be
> adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the
> elimination of -ize.
>
> 4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
>
> 5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
> lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
> therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. =A0Guns
> should only be handled by adults. =A0If you're not adult enough to sort
> things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're
> not grown up enough to handle a gun.
>
> 6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
> more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. =A0A permit will be required if
> you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
>
> 7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
> start driving on the left with immediate effect. =A0At the same time, you
> will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
> conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
> understand the British sense of humour.
>
> 8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
> calling gasoline) -- roughly $6/US gallon. =A0Get used to it.
>
> 9. You will learn to make real chips. =A0Those things you call French
> fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato
> chips are properly called crisps. =A0Real chips are thick cut, fried in
> animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
>
> 10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
> beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to
> as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be
> referred to as Lager. =A0South African beer is also acceptable as they are=

> pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be
> due to the beer. =A0They are also part of British Commonwealth -- see what=

> it did for them. =A0American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen
> Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
>
> 11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
> good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to
> play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English
> dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having
> one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
>
> 12. You will cease playing American football. =A0There is only one kind of=

> proper football; you call it soccer. =A0Those of you brave enough will, in=

> time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American
> football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds
> or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try
> Rugby -- the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they
> regularly thrash us.
>
> 13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. =A0It is not reasonable to
> host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played
> outside of America. =A0Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a
> world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn
> cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the
> sting out of their deliveries.
>
> 14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
>
> 15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
> Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
> monies due (backdated to 1776).
>
> 16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with
> saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes;
> plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
>
> God save the Queen!"
>
> Youza!!

Of course we know there is a world beyond our borders. There's Mexico,
Canada, Hawaii and Cuba. Did I leave anyone out?

And why is it that all the con men on television info-mercials have
British accents? I think we ought to look into that.

And why is it that British women all have piano legs?

And if the British do take over, will we all have bad teeth then?

Who's John Cleese (famous British actor)? Is he some kind of
Politician or something?