the man who should have been president

[Robert <b@xxxxxx>]

Al Gore Opens Mouth, Increases Carbon Footprint
By Selwyn Duke | View comments |  Print This Article
The latest from Albert Gore.


Speaking today to COOL-IT (Communists for Only Onerous and Lofty
Industrial Taxation) in Nome, Alaska, former vice-president Al Gore
criticized the United States? failure to adequately address climate
change.  Mr. Gore warned of future consequences of inaction while
emphasizing that we have already felt the effects of a lamentably low
suicide rate.  Gore mentioned the extinction of species, the melting of
the polar ice caps, and his loss of Florida in the 2000 presidential
election.  Said Gore,

Florida is a very hot state ? even in November.  And members of
lower-income socio-economic groups ? who are most likely to vote
Democrat ? often can?t afford air-conditioning.  Now, if you?re sitting
around in a pool of your own sweat drinking Thunderbird, what are the
chances you?ll be motivated to vote on election day?

Mr. Gore then became especially passionate, asserting that this accords
with Republicans? general disregard for the environment.  Pounding his
fist on the finely-crafted mahogany and teak podium, he continued,

The Republicans know well about vote suppression through climate
manipulation.  It is a fact that for every degree the temperature rises,
voter turnout decreases by 3 percent.

As evidence, Mr. Gore cited a volume of studies and research papers
showing that the temperature in Democrat stronghold Miami-Dade County
was higher than in the more Republican panhandle on election day. ?This
cannot be coincidence,? Gore insisted.

Sharpening his rhetoric, Gore invoked race.  Alluding to his belief that
most of the disenfranchised voters were minorities, he accused white
Republicans of engaging in ?. . . a systematic, apocalyptic climate war
against blacks.?

He called this plan ?Helter Swelter.?

While applause from COOL-IT was robust, attendees seemed to grow
increasingly uncomfortable with each passing word, shifting in their
seats, sweating profusely, intermittently fanning themselves, and
undoing the buttons of their olive-green jackets.

Although the Nobel Prize winner is often accused of being aloof and
scripted, Gore took note of the discomfort and used it as a teaching moment.

This just tells us that no one, no matter how educated, rich or
well-connected in the party, is immune from the effects of climate
change. It?s so bad that, honestly, it just seems like every time Tipper
and I talk, she complains how the house is way too hot.

Then, as if mimicking the temperature, the audience rose to their feet
and gave Mr. Gore a standing ovation for his most effective line of the
evening.

?I feel your heat,? said Gore.

Obviously energized by the crowd, Mr. Gore expanded on his election
thesis, stating there was ?no doubt? in his mind that he would be
president today if only the world were a colder place.  He further
stated that if he had been living during the Cryogenian Period, he would
have been king of the world.

Then, seemingly lost in thought, Mr. Gore stared blankly into space and
plaintively opined, ?Then they?d be dating time from my birth.?

This comment seemed confusing and disturbing to the audience and drew
the most tepid response of the symposium.

But Mr. Gore quickly got back on track, and the audience once again
warmed to him as he returned to the issue of environmental destruction
perpetrated by the Republicans, big business and the John Birch Society.

Gore especially shone when he exhibited his vast knowledge of the
science of climate change.  Addressing the fact that icecaps on Mars are
melting as well and temperatures on Pluto have also been rising, Mr.
Gore said,

?This just underscores how the Bush administration is bent on destroying
not just the ecosystem of the Earth, but of the whole Universe.?

The former vice-president did not take questions after his speech, but
defended himself when approached by reporters after the event and asked
to respond to deniers who question his motivations and credentials.  Mr.
Gore emphasized his long history of combating rising temperatures.

When I was a boy, I was always the first one to run to the Good Humor
truck, and my favorite comic book character was Mr. Freeze.  And,
really, I was never a beach person. Just ask anyone who knew me back
then ? anyone.  They?ll all say that if Al could be described in one
word, it would be ?cold.?