Re: A few to make you laugh

[Bob La Londe <none@none.com99>]

So here is a riddle for you.  Pay attention to every detail I have
written and make your best guess.

There was a little old lady who lived in Los Angelos with her poodle.
All her friends and relatives had long passed, but she was quite content
with the company of her little dog.

One day she notices the poodle was acting mopey and just laying in one
place.  Concerned she took the poodle to the vet where she was informed
the poor little dog was going to die from a rare condition.  She was
devastated.  She beg the vet to help find a cure,  "please.  I am all
alone in the world.  All my friends and family are all gone  My dog is
my only companion."

Moved by her passion the vet made a few phone calls.  "well," he said.
I found a veterinary surgeon in New York who says he's had some success
with this condition, but he can only help if you get there within the
next 24 hours."

She scooped up her dog and headed for the bank where she emptied her
bank accounts and then headed for the airport.

All the flights were booked.  In fact all the flights were over booked.
She started begging and pleading with random strangers to give up a seat
so she could fly to New York and save her dog.  It just wasn't
happening.  She contacted charter outfits.  She called other airports.
She just had no luck at all.

Exhausted and hopeless she slumped down on a bench.  Passing air line
and airport employees would look her way and then look away.  They all
knew her story.

Just when she thought all hope was lost an airport official approached
her.  "There is a private jet with a flight plan for New York with no
stops," he said.  "I can't promise anything, but I can get you out on
the tarmac to ask the millionaire who owns the plane if you can along."

"Oh, yes!"  She exclaimed.  "Please."

Out on the Tarmac she rushed up the stairs to ask the pilot if she and
her dog could join them.  The pilot said she would have to ask the
owner.  She headed down the aisle to find a man who looked every bit the
part of a wealthy pirate.  He had a hard look at this interloper coming
down the aile of his private plane.  She could see he was a man of means
as well.  Armani suit, Rolex, and a pinky ring with a rock the size of a
small state.  "What are you doing on my plane he barked at her."

"Please sir, " she said clutching her dog close.  "My dog is dying and I
have to get to New York.  There is a surgeon there who says he might be
able to help, but I have to get there today to have a chance."  His eyes
narrowed as she continued. "I don't have any friends or family any more
they have all died long ago and my poodle is my only.."

"Oh shut up!" He snapped.  "Fine.  You can come but you and your mutt
need to ride int eh back of the airplane, and you need to remain quiet
and not bother me.  My time on the plane is the only time I have to
relax.  Keep a hold of your dog and stay quiey and you can come along."


"Oh thank you sir.  Thank you.  You don't know how much this..."

"I said the word quiet twice.  That means quiet.  SO Shut up already."

Her mouth snapped shut and she headed back to the very last seat on the
plane.

Soon they were in the air and the millionaire fired up a cigar.  The
cabin begin to fill with smoke, and the little old lady began to cough
and wheeze.  Finally she had to speak up.  "Sir, Could you please
extinguish your cigar?"

"You want to get out and walk," he shouted back.

It was terrible and the smoke was getting thicker and thicker.  Seeing
what terrible discomfort the smoke was causing and being an intelligent
little dog the poodle jump down and ran to the front of the plane to pee
on the millionaire's foot.  Startled at the warm feeling running down
his leg and ruining his custom made loafers he dropped his cigar.  It
landed right in the puddle of poodle pee.  Psst.  Out went the cigar.
He kicked the dog which yiped and ran back to his owner with the
millionaire storming down the aisle behind.  "I told you to keep control
of your dog and don't bother me lady!" he yelled.

"Yes sir," she replied in a frightened voice.  "I will keep a hold of
him no matter what sir."

"You better," he said as he turned and headed back to his seat.

The millionaire broke out a bottle of fine whiskey and poured himself 3
fingers in an expensive cut crystal well glass.  With a small sip and a
sigh he settled back in his seat.  Soon he lit up another cigar.

The airplane filled with smoke.  The little old lady started to cough
and wheeze, but she kept a grip on her dog.  It was worse than before.
The dog started to squirm and as she had a particularly bad cough her
grip lightened and the dog slipped away.  He ran up to the millionaire
and started nipping at the millionaire's ankles.  Surprised he dropped
his expensive imported cuban cigar directly into the glass 100 year old
aged malt whiskey. Psst!  Out went the cigar.

Enraged he grabbed the poodle by the scruff and chucked him towards te
back of the plane and followed along behind the tumbling frightened
animal.

He was howling so loudly that spittle was spraying from his mouth as he
screamed, "Listen lady!  I've about had it with you and your damned mutt
  If you can't keep control of him I will throw him out of the plane.."

"Oh, please sir don't do that.  My poodle is all I have in the world,
and if ..."

"SHUT THE HECK UP ALREADY!"  The millionaire turned and headed back to
his seat.

He didn't hesitate before getting another cigar from the box and
lighting it up.  He was puffing madly spewing great bellows of smoke
into the air.  Soon there was a smoke strata int eh cabin of the plane
that reached from the ceiling nearly to the floor, but the little old
lady kept a death grip on the collar of her poodle.

It was terrible.  She coughed and wheezed and choked on the miasma of
tobacco in the air and clinging to every surface.  The smoke was so
thick you would be tempted to cut it with a knife just to walk down the
aisle.  At one point she nearly passed out and the dog made a break for
it.  The dog was smarter though.  This time he sneaked up on the
millionaire, and took a giant poodle crap on the millionaire's other shoe.

After a few moments the millionaire asked out loud, "What the heck is
that smell?"  he looked around and then looked down to be startled by a
giant pile o poodle poop on his shoe.  Startled he dropped his cigar
which fell directly into the pile of poodle poop and suck like the sword
Excalibur stuck in the stone.  Psst!  Out went the cigar.

The poodle fled towards his mistress for protection from the raging
maniac chasing him down the aisle.  The poodle almost made it back toe h
little old lady before he was wrench off the floor by the scruff of his
kneck.  He turned back towards the front of the plane with the poodle
extended at arm's length.  The little old lady followed along behind.
"What are you going?" she pleaded, but the millionaire didn't say a
word.  He threw open the hatch and chucked the poodle out of the plane.

As he turned back towards his seat the little old lady cried, "How could
you do that?  My poodle was all I had in the world.  You monster."  She
cried as she beat ineffectively on his chest with her tiny fists.

He pushed her aside and said in a cold scary voice, "I've had enough.
Go to your seat, sit down and shut up or you are next."

Sobbing the little old lady huddle in the back of the plane for the next
couple hours terrified to even look up.

Finally the plane landed in New York.  The millionaire departed to catch
a ride with the waiting limo and never looked back.

Finally the pilot came to the back of the plane to gather up the little
old lady and her things to help her off the airplane.  As they exited
the plane and climbed down the stairs she happened to look up.  Sitting
there on the wing of the airplane all covered in frost with his fur
blown straight back was her poodle, and what do you think he had in his
mouth?