An Engineer's Analysis of Santa Claus- REBUTTAL

["Stanley Barthfarkle" <sbarth@xxxxxxxxx>]

If people are going to attempt to apply science to the question of Santa,
the least they can do is to get it right. The so-called "Engineer" that
wrote the paper suggesting that Santa Claus is dead had it all wrong.

A) In paragraph 5, the Engineer states that "600,000 tons traveling at 650
miles per second creates enormous air resistance." Assuming that this true,
it may well be that the reindeer are protected by some sort of heat shield,
which is the basis of the "red nose" legend. More to the point, the "air
resistance" theory is a vast oversimplification, and a sloppy one at that.
In comparing a parachute to a javelin, one can see that there is no simple,
direct, predictable relationship between the weight of an object and its air
resistance. The air resistance theory completely ignores many possible
configurations of Santa's team that could greatly reduce air resistance.

Paragraph 5 is invalidated all the more when one considers paragraph 1,
which states that most of the 300,000 unclassified species on the earth are
insects and microorganisms. This suggests that it is overwhelmingly probable
that any unknown species (such as flying reindeer) is extremely small
(possibly even microscopic), with correspondingly low air resistance.

Also, note that various small species (e.g. bumblebee) have been known to
accomplish feats of aviation that have proven quite difficult for science to
explain. Furthermore, many small species (e.g. ants) possess strength that
is immense proportional to their size. Also note that every known species
has a body structure capable of withstanding whatever stresses are created
at the top speed at which the creature is capable of traveling.

Therefore, contrary to the Engineer's conclusion, the possible existence of
unknown, very small, very strong, flying creatures is indicated, and all of
the Engineer's statistics on the mass, speed, capacity, and durability of
standard Reindeer are therefore irrelevant.

B) If we accept the notion that Santa moves from East to West (an assumption
that the Engineer makes in Paragraph 3) then we must also assume that he is
moving in a vaguely North-South traversing path as he works his way West.
This implies that, if he chose to, he could make several stops at the Pole
to re-load the sleigh, and therefore it is not necessary for him to carry
the entire payload all at once as described by the Engineer.

The reader may raise the objection that most depictions of Santa's
procedures include a single annual departure from the Pole. However, one
must also consider that these same depictions contain many other omissions
and simplifications, such as the implication that Santa spends several
minutes on each delivery. Even using unrealistically favorable figures, this
is mathematically impossible. This and other examples force us to consider
these depictions to be strictly allegorical. This makes sense, since a
documentary would not be much fun for the target audience.

C) Consider that most chimneys are too small to accommodate an average-sized
man, let alone a 250 (plus) pound man. This implies that Santa has a way of
entering and exiting dwellings through access paths much smaller than those
that would otherwise be required. If the same technique that Santa uses to
transport himself and the gifts past locked doors also decreases mass (or
makes it irrelevant), then the payload problem is completely solved. (Note
that any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.)

D) If we accept the notion that Santa's intelligence gathering is good
enough for him to determine who is bad/good, sleeping/awake etc., then it
stands to reason that Santa also knows enough about health problems, travel
plans, hurricanes, floods, drive-by shootings, fires, volcanoes,
earthquakes, bus crashes, burglaries, etc. etc. etc. to be able to defer or
advance some of his deliveries for days or even weeks, thus considerably
extending the 31 hour time limit (as mentioned by the Engineer in paragraph
3) for perhaps 3 to 5 percent of children.

E) In paragraph 3, the Engineer admits to the assumption that Christian
homes are randomly distributed over the entire surface of the planet. In
reality, a majority of the earth's surface is covered by the oceans, and a
great portion of what is left is covered by mountains, deserts, forests,
jungles, glaciers, smaller bodies of water, and other natural and man-made
features that render the space uninhabitable by humans -- or at least
extremely sparsely populated by Christians, who largely tend to live in
communities with homes placed in neat rows on level ground, or in densely
populated vertical blocks in urban areas.

Also, many families tend to gather for the Holidays, thus decreasing the
number of Christian dwellings that are actually occupied on December 24-25.
Therefore, the aforementioned assumption leads to an *staggering*
overestimate of the number of times Santa must travel distances exceeding 60
feet. Also note that this more realistic model includes trans-oceanic
voyages during which Santa could take a "bathroom break."

F) In paragraph 3, the Engineer says that Santa has a very short time in
which to "park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the
stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever
snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and
move on to the next house. "In the previous paragraph, I dispensed with the
notion that Santa must actually park and exit the sleigh, enter and exit the
dwelling, and then enter and drive the sleigh for each delivery. As far as
the snacks go, it is clear that between the households where the parents eat
the snacks prior to Santa's arrival and the households that don't leave
snacks at all, Santa has to deal with a snack in only a small proportion of
cases. This means that at every stop Santa must, at a minimum, fill
stockings and distribute gifts. The other tasks are performed in much
smaller proportions.

G) In paragraph 2, the Engineer presents the assumption that roughly 10
children out of 35 are "good." Given my personal observations, I conclude
that this would lead us to overestimate of the number of Christian
households containing at least one "good" child by an order of magnitude at
the absolute minimum. This, more than anything else, decreases the number of
stops that Santa must make.

In conclusion - all of the Engineer's calculations are based on figures that
are massively skewed, always choosing the worst-case value. The distances to
be traveled, the number of stops to be made, the amount of work to be
performed, and the amount of cargo to be carried are all FAR smaller than
the Engineer estimates.

Santa has NOT been burned to a cinder, he has NOT been squished by the
acceleration of his sleigh, and (though I'm quite certain he won't be
visiting that Engineer's house,) Santa Claus IS coming to town!









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