[OT] Armaando Iannucci on the iPhone

["David Ward" <d.ward@xxxxxxxxxx>]

It was actually Armaando Iannucci's take on the iPhone that I was
reading.....

Ian should like this ;)

Dave


Is the iPhone going straight down the drain? You betcha!

Armando Iannucci
Sunday January 14, 2007
The Observer

Presentation by Steve Jobs of new iPhone in front of 10,000 screaming
technology experts.
Lights go down, roof retracts to lower Mr Jobs, seen reclining on a
large, green velvet Victorian chaise longue suspended on wires. Audience
whoops and hollers. Chaise longue touches the stage floor. Mr Jobs gets
off, stands up and shouts: 'Compress chaise longue!' At this point, the
chaise longue flips in on itself many times to fold into a small, sleek,
oblong, hand-held device, which Mr Jobs picks up.

Jobs 'Hellooooo technology experts!'
Crowd 'Hellooo King of Glory!'

Jobs 'Tonight, we make history as I present to you the new Apple iPhone.
[Audience cheers.] The iPhone, as you have just seen, can fold out into
a chaise longue. [Audience screams.] Yes, my friends, the days of not
being able to recline on your cellphone are over! [Audience stands up
and sings 'Thank you, Lord God, for your gracious gifts' to the tune of
'She'll be Coming Round the Mountain When She Comes'.]

'So now let me take you through the superb array of functions the iPhone
can bring into your life. First, enhanced picture quality. I simply
point my little finger at this icon here and a screen appears on the
phone. Now, what's this? [Grainy, green video footage appears on the
phone and is projected on to a large screen at the front of the hall.]
Why, it's the notorious video-phoned footage of Saddam Hussein's
hanging. This footage sent shockwaves throughout the world. Many people
were appalled by what they saw. I was appalled. [Meaningful pause]. I
was appalled at the poor picture quality of the images! [Audience
laughter, which lasts for three minutes.]

'Surely, in this day and age, it must be possible to come up with a
cellphone that can film the execution of vicious heads of state in a
resolution greater than 1,200 x 800 pixels! A death-cell phone, if you
will! [The laughter causes cracks in the roof.]

'See here, I simply wink at this icon at the bottom and the Saddam
footage is now 10 times clearer. [On the large screen, the mushy footage
has now been transformed into high-resolution images of a man with spit
in his beard having his neck snapped.] You can see the angle! [Audience
yelps like ruptured wolves.]

'Now, of course, it would be wrong to film anything and everything. We
are all entitled to our privacy. And the iPhone knows when to stop. For
example, here is a photograph of Prince William of England's girlfriend,
Kate Middleton.

'Now, here's what happened earlier this week when I tried to film her
coming out of her house. [The screen shows footage, beamed from the
iPhone, of a front door of a house.] The door starts to open and, just
as a young woman is about to emerge, the screen freezes, and a caption
saying STOP! THIS IS WRONG! flashes over it. The audience gasps for air,
applauds loudly and then kisses each other.

'Yes, the iPhone knows when to stop. But it also knows not to spoil your
fun. Of course, it's wrong to film Kate Middleton of England, but it's
not wrong to speculate on what it would look like if we had filmed her.
So the iPhone has an inbuilt bank of 14,000 images showing what Kate
Middleton would look like if you had carried on taking photos of her for
years to come. [Waves his nose at the phone and a series of images come
on to the screen.]

Here she is looking as if she's running away; here she is looking like
she's crying; here she is looking like she's been filmed though a window
shouting at William of England and William of England's father who's
trying not to look at her, and here she is as if she were taking
tranquillisers. [General silence from audience, as if in simple
adoration.]

'The iPhone has many more functions there simply isn't time to talk
about today, though if you click this icon here, you actually get extra
time. The iPhone can work out a solution to the Middle East crisis,
prove to all doubters that there was a Holocaust and plant a hedge in
the Amazon jungle [Polite applause] but what I will finally reveal now
is its best function, the ability to unblock drains! [Applause that only
a sun god gets.]

'Apple has done a deal with the makers of Mister Muscle to ensure that
wherever you go, whether at home or in the office or on board a train
with ridiculous plumbing, if you happen to have a blocked drain in your
vicinity you can deal with the menace with one squirt of the iPhone.
[Jobs squirts his iPhone and a jet of Mister Muscle shoots out,
unblocking a large, clogged plughole.] The audience screams: 'Mister
Muscle! Mister Muscle! You Don't Tussle With Mister Muscle!'

'As the powerful liquid dissolves clogged hair and food grease, my
iPhone can film the obliteration of mess and beam the pictures back to
my children I am the Lord of all Things, the Master of the Universe and
Tomorrow is my winged Steed.'

Jobs disappears into his iPhone, which ascends into the roof. The people
fling off their clothes in rapture. A voice is heard saying 'The iPhone
is on sale for $499' and the audience shouts: 'That's too much' and
hurriedly leaves.

_____

From: ukha_d@xxxxxxx [mailto:ukha_d@xxxxxxx] On Behalf
Of Paul Gale
Sent: 17 January 2007 10:21
To: ukha_d@xxxxxxx
Subject: RE: [ukha_d] Hello All! I'm looking for advice!


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