OT - sorry but this is just hilarious

["Umar" <umar@xxxxxxx>]

> Apparently this is for real.  Thought you might like it !
>
>
> > A real-life customer complaint letter sent to NTL (from their
complaints
> > dept....)
> >
> >
> > Dear Cretins
> >
> > I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up
for
> your
> > 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone.
> >
> > During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of
service
> > which I had not previously considered possible, as well as
ignorance and
> > stupidity of monolithic proportions.
> >
> >
> > Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can
either
> pursue
> > your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these
difficulties -
> or
> > more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining
reading
> > material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and
drinking
> > vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:
> >
> >
> > My initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice,
> resulting
> > in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting
for
your
> > technician to arrive. When he did not arrive at all, I spent a
further
57
> > minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even
more
> > annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful
> > website.... how?
> >
> > I alleviated the boredom to some small degree by playing with my
> testicles
> > for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both
familiar
> > and highly adept.
> >
> > The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks
later,
> > although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital
tools -
> such
> > as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem
had
> > still not arrived.
> >
> > After several further telephone calls (actually 15 telephone
calls over
4
>
> > weeks) my modem arrived ... a total of six weeks after I had
requested
> it,
> > and
> > begun to pay for it.  I estimate that the downtime of your
internet
> > servers is roughly
> > 35%...these are usually the hours between about 6pm and midnight,
Monday
> > to Friday, and most of the useful periods over the weekend.
> >
> > I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9
telephone
> > calls on my mobile to your no-help line this week, and have been
> > unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested
individuals, who
> are
> > it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.  I have been
informed
that
> > a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back);
that no
> > telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that
I will
> > be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone
line is
> > available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to
someone
> > who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then
been
> > redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is
closed);
> > that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a
> telephone
> > line is available (and then been redirected to the irritating
Scottish
> > robot woman...and several other variations on this
> > theme.
> >
> > Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter, as you have at
least a
> > thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another
one of
> > those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly
I don't
> > care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my
frustrations in
> > print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me,
> > therefore, if I continue.
> >
> > I thought BT were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot
of
> > god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could
be more
> > disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering
service to
> > their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there
isn't
> > anyone else is there?
> >
> > How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my
considerable
> > dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of
bastards you
> > truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum -
> incompetents
> > of the highest order. British Telecom - wankers though they are -
shine
> > like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire
of
your
> > seemingly limitless inadequacy.
> >
> >
> > Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and
foolhardy quest
> > to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you do
likewise,
> > and cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me
for
the
> > services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed
to
> > deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with
hilarity and
> > disbelief - although these feelings will quickly be replaced by
derision,
> > and even perhaps a small measure of bemused rage.
> >
> > I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my
cats
> litter
> > tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both
you
and
> > your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not
become
> > desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the
time of
> > posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did
not
> > experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider
them the
> > very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and it's worthless
employees.
>
> >
> > Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life,
you
> > irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of
twats.
>
>
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