[OT]...but oh so true :-)

["Keith Doxey <ukha@xxxxxxx>" <ukha@xxxxxxx>]

Subject: Haynes manual translation.


For all those aspiring car mechanics out there, this is a selection of
translated phrases from the Haynes Manual.  Does any of this sound
familiar?

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer in 
the
anticlockwise direction.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles on both hands.

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey!

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, 
now you
are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Jeez, what was that? It nearly had my eye out"!

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good 
pliers to
dig out that pesky bayonet bit.

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your 
forehead
are throbbing. Then re-check the manual because this cannot 
be 'lightly'
what you are doing now.

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch 
it up?


Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a 
low,
tiny number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of 
the
Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Three spanner rating.
Translation: But Ford Fiesta's are easy to maintain right... right? 
So you
think three Fiesta spanners has got to be like a 'regular car' two 
spanner
job.

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!

Haynes: Five spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride in it afterwards!!!

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!


Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear 
at,
throw at the garage wall, then search in the dark corner of the 
garage for
it whilst muttering "b*gger" repeatedly under your breath.

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are 
looking
at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I 
thought,
it's going to need a new one"!

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you 
know.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs 
removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much 
harder.
Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can 
start to
feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Pry away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an Auto Club card and mobile phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate 
heat.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book, but not the thing 
you want
to do!



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