Fwd: Below is a genuine letter to NTL about their service

[Stuart Grimshaw <stuart@xxxxxxx>]

>
>  Dear Cretins,
>
> I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for
your
> 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone.
> During this three month period I have encountered inadequacy of
service
> which
> I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and
> stupidity
> of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific
details, so
> that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to
> rectify
> these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have
some
> entertaining reading material as you while away the working day
smoking
> B&H
> and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.
>
>  My initial installation was cancelled without warning or
notice,resulting
> in
> my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your
> technician to arrive. When he did not arrive at all, I spent a further
57
> minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, andthe even more
> annoying
> Scottish robot woman telling me to look at
> yourhelpful website.... how? I alleviated the boredom to some small
degree
> by
> playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you
are
> no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.
>
>  The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later,
> although
> the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a
> drill-bit, and his cerebrum.
>
>  Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After several
> further
> telephone calls (actually 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks) my modem
> arrived
> ... a total of six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay
for
> it.
>
>  I estimate that the downtime of your internet servers is roughly
> 35%...these
> are usually the hours between about 6pm and midnight, Monday to
Friday,
> and
> most of the useful periods over the weekend.
>
>  I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9
telephone
> calls on my mobile to your no-help line this week, and have been
> unhelpfully
> transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals,who are it seems
> also
> highly skilled bollock jugglers.
>
>  I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone
will
> call me back), that no telephone line is available (and someone will
call
> me
> back), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not
a
> telephone line is available (and then been cut off), that I will be
> transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is
> available
> (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your
> office
> is closed), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or
not
> a
> telephone line is available (and then been
> redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman.... and several
other
> variations on this theme.
>
>  Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter, as you have at least
a
> thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one
> ofthose
> crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't
care,
> it's
> far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print
than
> to
> shout them at your unending hold music.
>
>  Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.
>
> I thought BT were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of
> god-awful
> customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more
> disinterested,
> less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their
customers.
> That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is
> there?
>
>  How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable
> dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards
you
> truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum -
incompetents
> of
> the highest order. British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine
like
> brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy
> puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy.
>
>  Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy
quest
> to
> receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you do likewise,
and
> cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the
> services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to
> deliver -
> any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and
disbelief -
> although these feelings will quickly be replaced by derision, and even
> perhaps a small measure of bemused rage.
>
>  I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats
> litter
> tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you,
and
> your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become
> dessicated
> during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting,
and
> I
> would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both
> their
> rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of
my
> feelings towards NTL, and it's worthless employees.
>
>  Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you
> irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats,
>
>
>  Yours psychotically,
>
>  Xxxx Xxxxxxx
>
>  Regards

-------------------------------------------------------

--

Stuart Grimshaw <stuart@xxxxxxx>
Chief Operations Officer
Football Networks Ltd
-
t:07976 625221
f:0870 7060260